She Will Be MINE!

For guys this is a common situation, but girls has this ever happened to you? Have to guys like you and desire your 'love' for them at the SAME time? While watching Protect the Boss, I thought about my first and only experience. It was during my freshman year of high school. I was really myself at the time. I was becoming really close with these two guys, Jonathan and Krishna. As school went on I became good friends with them and they became good friends with each other. Jonathan and I would message everyday on Facebook non stop. We would tell each other everything. It was nice to have a guy's perspective and have a really good guy friend. During that year he was going through some rough situations. He was planning to OD on some painkillers to get his mom to (in a way) care for him. One of his other friend (and mine too) actually told him that it was a good idea. I was so scared, I would say it was my second scariest situation that I've experience so far. I didn't know what to do. I tried to stay calm and refreshed the internet like so many times! Thinking about it I don't understand why I didn't try to call him. Oh, right he didn't have a phone at that time and I didn't know his house number. I was so scared. I did the logical solution. Well, not to call the cops, but to tell him how I would feel and how is parents and friends would feel and what if he died. He didn't do it eventually. Later on, I believe it was when we started to date that he confronted me that I was the one the convinced him to stop, that I stopped him. I really cared for him and to this day I do, but I rarely show it now. It's uncomfortable for me to show him any kind of affection. I would like to, but I have this feeling that he doesn't want us to become friends again. But this story is for another time. Back on track. Now, Krishna and I were about the same. We were becoming close friends. Like Jonathan and I, Krishna and I would chat on Facebook and some nights we would talk on the phone - whispering so, we wouldn't be caught by our parents and having to hang up. We would chat for ours about anything and everything. Later on in the year they both confessed, but at different times. I was smart enough to tell them that I didn't want to ruin the relationship that we had. Later on they confessed - well, I had to pry it out of them and it was at the same time. For some reason I told Krishna that I would go out with him and reject Jonathan. However, as days past on. I was thinking more and more. I couldn't ruin the relationships so, I eventually told them both no. They both decided to hate me and stay friends. But they didn't work. Later on we became friends again. But when I said later I meant later like the summer after freshman year ended. 


____________________


Yes, I do somewhat feel happy that I got two guys to like me. But what was the outcome. Now, our relationship is strained. I wish I could talk to them. Our strained relationship isn't the whole reason, it's because of my relationship that would eventually form with Jonathan. However that's would be another post. So, ladies if I were you I wouldn't necessarily reject both guys if you know you have solid feelings for one of them and that you would last for a while and get the other party to understand. But you don't want to ruin a relationship that you have stabilized. A good, trusting friend is really hard to come by. 

Motivated > Ashamed

Ahhhhhhhh, So, today we had a honest/love circle - whatever you like to call it. It's difficult for me to open up. Really. So, I think I tend to make things up in my mind, but they're partially true. I blurted out that I was a very mean person and that I didn't like something about everyone. Now I feel like I'm a total bitch, a fake person. Maybe I'm just overthinking I don't know. I mean we were being honest. And the whole class is already close. Ugh. I don't know. Whatever past is the past. I just need to move on and be who I am or at least try. On a better news, I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist/therapist! But I'm scared. What do I say. I mean I'm not depressed 24/7. It's more periodic - it randomly happens. Like I said before I can't spill out my feelings so easily. I need to be happier, no? I'm tired of writing about sad things!

Should I go, be free, and be happy?!

I'm tired of feeling useless. I'm tired of posting all this shit - this useless, meaningless words - these words that I attempt to explain about my depression, my sadness, and anger. I'm tired of letting strangers around the world read my feelings when I need someone to hear me out and comfort me. I need somebody to care for me. At times I feel like I should go ahead and die. No one else would care about me. So why would my meaningless life matter to my friends, my family, the world. It doesn't make sense. I don't need to suffer this pain and then the next day be happy and suffer again later on. It's tiring. I'm just so tired. Even though I think about killing myself, I know I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so afraid of what will happen to me. Is there an afterlife. Will I just become molecules that people breathe in? How can my mom tell me that I don't listen to her when I do, I'm tired of hearing nothing but useless words. In actuality she only hear my words, she doesn't listen to them. Put them to heart and think about her actions only what I've done badly and not what she's done. My dad can be so ironic. He tells us not to do this and that, but yet he does the exact same things. Yelling out horrible things to my brother when he's in a bad mood that makes me want to beat up almost to the point of death. Telling my brother that sometimes what we do makes him want to kill himself. What kind of fucking dad will say that to his child? I mean really? They keep saying how I think I'm all grown up and I think I can make my own decisions. NO! I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD. THEY TELL ME I HAVE TO HELP PAY THE INSURANCE, PAY FOR MY SPAIN TRIP, PAY FOR EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO. WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON YOUR SHOULDERS?! MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRAP BECAUSE OF THEM. I HAD TO ACT MATURE AND BE MY AGE WHEN I'M ONLY FUCKING 13. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP. The funny thing is I always think that instead of committing suicide I should always just cut myself like how Janin did. It seemed like it helped. But, heh, I really don't want scars on my arms. Ridiculous, huh? I should just work at waffle house for the rest of my life and do nothing, but live a numb life. I have no joy in myself anymore. I feel like I'm only faking it. I'm tired. So, tired. At times I feel like I'm getting better, but then it all crashes. Mom says that I don't need a therapist. I need to help myself. How? I talked to Merritt about it and how does she treat me now? Worse than before I talked to her about our friendship. I have no one to talk to - no one that I can trust. Hanin tells me that she's there for me. But I can't trust those words that she speaks. I'm tired of being the black knight. Doing kind things to my siblings and family that they barely notice. And get onto me about how pathetic I am. Not word for word, but in similarity.

Restless Soul

Though I've told you a couple of months ago that I've told my parents and my doctor about my depression. My parents have received paperwork. It's about to be September. I have yet to have help. My depression is weakening me. I feel useless at times. My soul, my heart sometimes can't stand it. I want help. I need help. I'm feeling useless and useless everyday. I'm tired of putting a smile and lift other peoples mood and not being able to lift mine. I don't feel like being on this planet anymore. But what I can I do? I can't do that to myself. I'm tired. I'm really mentally tired. Don't worry fellow readers. I'm not going to do anything to myself. I don't have the balls to do that.

Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I'm glad you're finally seeking the help that you need. I don't want you to continue on this rough road. I'm tired of seeing you cry by yourself, being sad all the time, losing interest in your hobbies, and distancing yourself from your friends. You need them. They are there to listen no matter what. When you go see the therapist/psychiatrist tell them everything - all your innermost feelings. Don't feel stupid before and afterwards. They're there for a reason. You need someone right now. I don't want you to feel alone anymore. Let that ticking bomb go. You need to lose it before you do something crazy. You can fight this and you will win! Depression is not going to get you, not anymore. We will get through this.

Sincerely & Love,

Your heart, soul, body, and mind.

Update - Cartilage Piercing

So, yesterday I went to the Tattoo and Piercing shop and the guy changed out my stud to a ring. Which helped a lot to help the damaged area and the simplicity of cleaning the area.

All piercing shops have different after care procedures. However, from what I have read and talk to different piercers(?), people who pierce ears at piercing shops.

This Must-Do list is mainly for me (so I don't forget) and for people who just got their cartilage pierced or people who are thinking about it and wondering how to care for it.

Now this list I know is good for cartilage piercing, but for other piercings I don't know. You should call your local piercing shop and ask them. You might want to ask around more than one to see. And call the best one in town.

The Must Do's to Help Clean the Newly Pierced Ear or any body part (I think this excludes regular ear piercings - bottom holes):

1.) Use fragrance free soap to clean out your ears while in the shower (or sink)

1a.) Or you can use a microbial soap (?) A piercer that I talked to recommended H2Ocean Blue Green Foam Soap (you can also use this on tattoos)

2.) Also use some sort of aftercare after washing with soap such as salt water soaks, which you can look up on how to do it or by H2Ocean's Piercing Aftercare Spray.

2a.) If you do use the Spray spray 2-3 times a day. Even though the package says 5-6 times a day, you don't want to dry out your pierced area. Just a simple spritz will do.

3.) DON'T move the earring around. Unlike regular piercings which they recommend you to move the earrings around cartilage piercings are different.

4.) Do not use any chemicals such as Bactine to clean it. It's harmful to the pierced area.

You can purchase the spray and soap at your nearest piercing and/or tattoo shop or you can go online to their website, http://www.h2oceanstore.com/ , and check it out.

I am going to buy the foam soap and try it out and write a review and see who it works. I have already bought the spray but since it's only 1.5 fl. oz. I'll have to buy another one. If you go online it's 4 oz. and I shall write a review on it too.

Also, redness, soreness, and pain will occur during the first few weeks. So, don't get freaked out! Cleaning the cartilage piercing is SIMPLE, don't overthink it.

The reasons why for the Don't stuff. I don't know. Call or google. If there are any mistakes or additions please add. In no way am I endorsing these products. I have just read and been told that these products are the best out there.

Suuurprise!

This past weekend was the 4th of July. I was going to go to Florida and hang out with relatives, spend some time in the water and sun, and go shopping. Plans got changed. So, this past weekend I spent everyday at a mall. I went to an outlet one day, then my hometown mall the next day, and the next day I went to an outlet and a mall. It was fun! I haven't had that much fun shopping in a while! Who knew that July 4th weekend can bring upon so much sales! Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister had ADDITIONAL 50% off on already marked items! I scored me some great jeans!

Anyways during the weekend I decided to get my ears pierced. I've always wanted to get a second piercing on my ear, but my mom never let me. And spontaneously I decided that I wanted my cartilage pierced too. So, the outlet I went to on the first day had a Claire's store. I never researched the pros and cons and how to's on cartilage piercings. I wish I had though. Apparently it's not advised to go to Claire's to go and get your cartilage pierced because it can hurt your ear in a way and it takes a much longer time period for the 'wound' or hole to heal. Then I began to read all these things people were posting - bad things. I got freaked out so, the next day I called the tattoo and piercing place and asked them if it was true. Yep. It. Is. So. Freaking. True.

I'm the type of person who doesn't want anything bad to happen to her body and I want to take care of it. So, today after work I'm going over there to let them check it out and get that salt spray that called H2O something something. Apparently it works - from what I've read. But hey the piercing looks sexy and cute on me so, I must take care of it.

Here's what I've read:

• The antiseptic that Claire's gives you doesn't help the 'wound'
• Always wash your hands prior to touching your ear or you WILL get an infection
• You should get your piercing done from a professional which is done by an actual needle and not a gun that Claire's use
• Claire's uses a gun and when it pierces through the cartilage area it will damage it
• Salt water soaks are much more effective cleaners or that H2O spray
• Make sure you don't get the side where you sleep the most pierced on (I'm a slide sleeper and I tend to turn on the left when I start to fall asleep but I got mine pierced on the left so, it's a bit difficult)

This is as much as I can remember it. If I am wrong or missed anything please feel free to add anything on the comment section. After going to the piercing shop I'll update this post from what I've learned and what they've told me. I want people who are getting there cartilage pierced to know the information beforehand unlike me. Now some of my friends got their cartilage piercings done at Claire's before and they still look fine, but I still want to be sure my piercing and my ear will not be in trouble.

I'm not sure if it's normal, but it's already been four days since I got it pierced and today I've been feeling some pain. Like from time to time I feel sharp pains. I don't know how to describe it right now *tip of the tongue phenomenon!* =.=

Be My Man(ny)

The past two recent posts all I've been writing about is Korean drama and Korean music, but what can I say. They're much more entertaining and better than American TV. I've always kept up with my dramas and couldn't put it down. I just absolutely loved them! However, starting last August when school came back I couldn't watch many of them. Soon I started to put a list of what episodes I need to watch next as a reminder on my comp. Now I watch up to 3-5 episodes a week. It's not just k-drama, but variety shows as well - mostly of 'We Got Married'. It's all because I have to watch my beloved Nickhun and David Oh. Some dramas I just can't grasp onto anymore. Like the tvN drama, Manny.

At first, when I was reading the synopsis I was effy about this drama/show. It just didn't sound like my type of genre. But hey what can a girl do when she's bored and all the other dramas aren't yet subbed or uploaded yet. At first it was really interesting because I love watching all the CSI shows , Combat Hospital, Grey's Anatomy, and such. It was interesting how the character, Lee Han, helps children not only as a manny, but as a therapist in a way. Not only is Seo Ji Seok who plays the character, Lee Han, is pretty cute. But as the drama later drags on it got boring. Maybe it's because I've watched too manny TV that I know what the endings will be like. The female lead character, Seo Do Yeong, played by Choi Jeong Yoon, is whiny, emotional, and generally cries too much. She lacks self-confidence/esteem. It's tiring to watch her whine every episode. However, the show doesn't just focuses on the lives of these two characters. It also shows the life of Do Yeong's older sister, Janice, played by the famous Byeon Jeong Soo (who was in Past - the first ever k-drama I've seen). I can't really put this into words right now, but Janice basically owns a modeling agency. And so it covers Janice's life, her work, and her secretary, and two of her models. Who I might say one of them is quite gorgeous. As well as the lives of Do Yeong's two children.

I was hoping that Lee Han will diagnose some more problems that the kids have, but no it just some crazy, no sense plot that goes on. The little boy is just adorable! I have two episodes left until the finale. However, I just can't get myself to finish watching and also the fact that dramacrazy won't let play it. This drama goes into the bookmark of Ok Dramas. The chemistry between the characters just wasn't there. And the storyline was just a flatline for me.

This is the first time I've ever written an 're-cap'/critique about a drama. I just usually tell myself. But I feel like writing in here since I haven't wrote on here for over a month! Please don't write smack about just because I wrote a mere critique about a drama. It's my first time. Give me a break! :p Good night everyone! Off to watch Miss Ripley..yay...another drama that I don't feel like watching, but I must. Can't stop the train now! ^^

His Voice

I just got done reading a recap on the new k-drama 'You've Fallen for Me' or 'Heartstrings'. In ep. 2 Shin sings a song after meeting up with his dad who is in a prison (?) not sure. I was just skimming to get the juicy stuff and letting the rest fall in to pieces when I go watch it later. But this song that Jung Yong Hwa sings is absolutely beautiful. It just calms me immediately. His voice is just beautiful. I hope because of this drama that C.N. Blue gets great recognition and his band mate is also in this drama! From what I've read his character seems cute - personality wise. You know what I mean. I was listening to it while I was typing this now it's on to 'The Banmal Song' which is also a cute song that Yong Hwa wrote with his 'wife' on We Got Married. If you are in a foul mood or just want to listen to something good. I'd recommend this. I have other songs to recommend too. They're all k-pop though, is that alright :p I can't find it on youtube so, here's the site where I was reading the recap and scroll down or press ctrl+f and type in shin's song - untitled. I hope y'all love it as much as I do.

http://www.dramabeans.com/2011/06/youve-fallen-for-me-episode-2/

Why Don't You Just 'Lie to Me'

Ah! I haven't wrote on here for a while. I'm just planning to write irrelevant stuff for now. K-dramas...why are they so addicting and make a girl swoon over guys that might never exist and if they do - you can barely find them! Maybe it's because I'm still too young. Haha who knows. This year there has been few good dramas that came out. But this recent drama that has ended has a made a name and memory for me. Last year it was My Girlfriend is a Gumiho and Secret Garden. Now it's Lie to Me. Wonderful chemistry. The character of Hyun Ki Joon is a hearthrob with his romantic antics just makes me wanna swoon! However, the lead female character, Gong Ah Jung, can be a woman with MAJOR mood swings! I really hope there's more great dramas to come! Another drama that recently ended that I loved was The Greatest (or Best) Love. AMAZING as well!

Maybe this post isn't going to go on to different topics. I just needed to vent this out. It's truly sad to have not friends interested in k-drama or korean music.

One Word: Yes.

This is one of the cutest proposal I've found online. I just thought I'd share this with you :p

Reluctance

This post has nothing to do with reluctance. I couldn't think of a good title so, the first word that popped out of my head was reluctance! Whoo! Since four years ago, I seemed to forget dates or anything that dealt with number of people I love. My brother's age, the day my grandfather passed away, my friends birthday. Today, is the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I didn't get to say goodbye. No one in my family did. He was taking his early morning stroll. Someone found him on teh groud. The doctors did all they could. I woke up to the sound of my grandma crying. Thinking it was just the TV. Woke up before I heard the crying wondering why I didn't hear the news on since my grandpa always watches it when he comes back. I was so happy less noise to bother me. And from that day on, it got me to start sleeping in more. I've changed. Since then. I really do miss him. A couple of days before was my graduation (from 7th grade) I had received numerous awards. I showed it to him and he was so proud of me! The day before he died, him and my brother was arguing. I'm just so sad I didn't get to say goodbye to him and tell him how much I loved him. The only thing my friends knew and still know is that he died. I couldn't talk about how he died or how much I missed him. Whenever I start thinking about him I start crying no matter where I am. I really do miss hearing him turn off the alarm and hearing the microwave go off. Hearing him turn on the lights in the living room to put on his shoes. His smile. I miss him so much. He has lived with me since I was born. He was like my second father since my parents were always at work; he took care of me, my siblings, and his wife. Watched over the house. Catched and killed all the snakes and spiders for us. He was our guardian. I just wished he was still here to watch me graduate. Hear him brag about me to his friends over the phone. Hear his loud, booming voice. I wished he saw me in my dresses to prom and telling me how pretty I looked. But I know he's seeing everything even though he's here. Whenever we visit his grave - the wind blows. We feel his presence. He is still proud of me.

I'm a troubled soul.

I'm failure. There's nothing I can do in life that's right. What is wrong with me? Is God hurting me because I question his being? Is it me? I found out my grades today. Well, I passed Spanish and Physics; however I failed the Spanish final and I feel like I'm failure, a loser. I just wish that when I was in middle school - the IB juniors who told me about this program would tell me how much suffering this would be. I only joined in thinking that I'll be able to get a lot of scholarships to help out my family. It's not Spanish that's putting me down. It's math. I failed my math class. That will go into my transcript. I don't know if I have to take another math class or what? I'm so stupid. This is how I feel. Maybe it's because of my counselor and the IB coordinator. I don't know. When I told my counselor about me failing math in the graduation test...I can see in his eyes that he was deeming me as a failure. I'm in IB - you have to be smart and pass everything. I mean come on what is up with that! Then there is the counselor. He basically straight out tells you if you're not smart then get out. What kind of persons are they. But the point is I failed a class for the first time in my entire life! What am I to do! I don't know anymore. I just don't.

Liberation!

I've finally done it. It's over. The braces are gone! :p

I thought it would take forever and it'd be painful. However, it was easy. Only took about two hours. What I really hated was the mold stuff they use to get my retainers. It tasted and smelled like play-do (sp) and I just wanted to gag -.- But anywho there's like a gap between the fronts of my teeth but I'm going to have that fixed. I just absolutely love my teeth :D

♡

School's out! I'm excited! Not really. Today, just felt like a normal day. Sadly tomorrow I have to go back to school to check out my grades. I'm really hoping I passed all my classes - esp. math! -.- I'm asian, I'm suppose to be good in math! NOT. All the asians that I know that are extremely well in math is because their parents make them take classes outside of school and some just take it in through osmosis while they're taking naps. But the one thing I am super excited is I get my braces out tomorrow :D

Songs of the Month

Recently whenever I'm down or I need a good song to enjoy while I'm driving is U-kiss's 0330 and B1A4's O.K. They're so catchy and I even got my sister to hum to B1A4's music and she doesn't like K-pop one bit. Take a listen (:

U-Kiss - 0330

http://youtu.be/h1zOhQQpw6U

B1A4 - O.K

http://youtu.be/MBFzFSUkQus

Summer is Knocking on My Front Door

Aahh, that summer heat waves is creeping towards us. I can feel it. I can smell the chlorine enriched pools and the smells of spray-tan and sunscreen. Summer is on its way! ^^ This is my last week of finals and exams and Ii'm through! My first weeks of summer, I am DETERMINED to finish all my summer work and get it over with! I hope everyone's is going well. As promised here are some of the pictures from the second prom I went to - they're ok :p

Paranoia

So, today while I was enjoying my dinner my sister all of a sudden decided to share with me that she has contracted ringworm! Isn't that great? I'm the type of person that freaks out if there's anything infectious near me. Like right now, my whole body is itching. I even got some sanitation wipes and wiped everything that she recently touched. I know I'm being ridiculously crazy and need to calm down, but stuff like this rarely happens inside the house. I should experience the world more, no? :p

So, studying last night went well. I stayed up until 3. So, hopefully everything went well! Tomorrow is my American History final - crossing my fingers that I do well because I DO NOT pay attention in that class. I sleep since 4th block seems to be my personal nap time - that's bad. Can I get ringworm if my sister and I use the same shower?

I do hope everyone's studying is going good! Do your best! Do it for yourself and not for others. High school to me seems to be the the stage of your life where it determines what you do as an adult. If you don't succeed in high school you might not succeed in life. I know this - er, mantra, quote, inspiration(?) haha is debatable but this is my own personal view.

Just listen.

So, it's 11 at night. I have a test tomorrow and IB stuff due Tuesday and what am I doing? I've decided to do a little blogging and let you readers be my psychologist. As well, I'm watching some TV. Fun, right? :p

You know whenever I go to work..at times I'm in a pretty good mood; however, Shaun or Jeanie just ruins it. Things they do never bothered me before when I was young. Maybe it's the stress or lack of sleep that makes me - it's a "i" word. I can't remember, but anyways once I start to get mad..I start to get emotional and very sad and depressed. All of these suppressed emotions just comes back like lava spewing out of a dormant volcano (if that makes any sense). I always seem to feel all alone in this world. I can't trust anyone anymore. I can't tell anyone anything. Ever since I broke up with Jonathan and he said those awful, terrible things to me. I've lost trust to all of my close guy friends. I don't want to hug or be close to anyone anymore. I feel like if I tell people my feelings, problems, thought they think I'm whining too much or I complain too much. Everyone's leaving me. I went to this one behavior center for the first time because I've come to terms that I might have depression and anxiety so, she set me up with a psychiatrist and I was not able to hear him say his extension number. Wouldn't you think that if an incoming patient doesn't call you back you should call her back again? My best friend since elementary school soon left me and became closer to another girl and now it feels as if we're like strangers. My now "best friend" never seems to be able to text back or answer her phone calls when I need her. I have nobody to talk to. I even feel stupid letting y'all readers read about this. I really want to talk to someone about stuff that's going on in my life. I want to tell this one guy, Tobi everything because he talks to me about his problems. However, when I try to tell him my problems I just feel so stupid.

I think this will fix the procrastination. I shall attempt to study, do homework, and other school assignments. Thanks for listening - well reading ^^

It Won't Mean Nothing, Without a Woman or a Girl

Procrastination is a BITCH! I have a test tomorrow and I have yet to study :(

What have I been doing besides studying:

1) Cleaning my manicure and cutting my nail

2) Fixing my feet and toes

3) Watched - Breakout Kings, Body of Proof, and WGM

It's about to be 4'o clock. Lord help me!!

Prom1.2

Ahh, prom. It comes again. Amidst the studying of finals and exams I went to prom with my greatest guy friend (: It was so fun. I didn't have to drive, rush, or worry about anything. We took pictures with beautiful scenery. I was able to see old friends - now acquaintances. It was a good day! It felt more natural with Krishna. Me and him had a thing going on, but I stopped it before anything happened. I just don't want to ruin a great friendship. This boy cannot dance worth shiz. haha. Pictures have yet to be uploaded so, my next post will be pictures to update you! But I really like my hair and me-up so much this time around. It was more natural and less caked with hairspray. It was me. I was wearing it not my hair or my make-up. My feet hurt. I'm not going to go into much detail because it's late and I'm tired and I want to just watch some TV and think of how to keep my hair the way to it is so, it can look good tomorrow. Because tomorrow is mother's day! What did you get for your mom? If I feel like it I'll probably write the full details when I post the pictures. Good-night/morning. However, you would like to call it.

Despair - Rant

I feel hopeless. I feel depressed. I feel all alone in this world. I failed the math portion of my graduation test. And it I feel like a failure just because I'm in all the smart classes doesn't mean that I'm a super genius! My mom is going to my sibling's choir concert where as I have a meeting on me going to another foreign country. She's heard them sing millions of times. My parents would rather care about work and their costumers than to take two minutes to just take a picture with me when I go to prom. I have a pile of homework due tomorrow, 1st block. I have four exams next week. Two major ones that determine if I get kicked out of the IB program or not. Why does my life have to suck.

A Little Girl's Dream

Girl's dream about two things: Prom and their Wedding. Watching all these movies and TV shows, gives you these ideas about how prom should and would be. When I was little I'd imagined myself going to prom with a handsome guy and he would ask me in a very creative and cute way. I'd be in a beautiful Cinderella type-poofy dress with those beautiful long white gloves, beautiful curls, and possibly a tiara. And during the slow dance he would give me a kiss.

Haha, some girls actually get to live those chances with maybe the exception of the poofy dress. I'd never thought that prom would be so difficult to plan. Especially with the large group that I was going with - where to eat, why are you going with him, where to take pictures, ride arrangements. I was exhausted by the tim

e we went to eat. I think the most hilarious moment of pre-prom was finding a date. At first, I knew I had no one to go with and I thought going by myself with my friends would so much better. I was texting my ex one night. We were talking about prom and he wasn't going because he didn't have money to buy tickets and that he didn't have a date. I jokingly said that I would go with him. And guess what?! The next day he texted me and asked if my offer was still standing. -.- What was I to do? *sigh* He's quite an emotional guy. Like our break-up was a natural disaster. I would never EVER want to go through it again. But why am I friends with him? I'm

the type of person who'll forgive and forget (sort of). So, here I am with him at prom. And the idiot leaves me in the middle of it to go to a concert. Which to me was quite alright. I was more comfortable dancing around. :p

The dancing. Hah. Because I go to a school whose racial majority is African American. The music was mainly rap. Songs and dances I've never heard or seen. *This is not an insult in anyway* I just wished that there was some Ke$ha or Lady Gaga. Something I can jump and pump my fist in the air. Everyone just grinded - even during the "slow" songs. I can not whatsoever dance like my other friends did to save my life. I just look awkward! But hey, what can I do? As long as I was with my friends. I was having the time of my life. The after party was great. So much fun! :D haha. Prom. My first experience was great. Although it wasn't what I imagined, I still had fun. Did you know that I had to go through the situation of "buying and returing" 3 times until I found the perfect dress! Crazy huh? I'm going to another prom in two more weeks. Let's see what this school has in store for me *.^ And the dress for this prom only took me two trips to another city to finally get the feel. Ladies you know what I mean. The feel that when you have this dress, you are the most beautiful girl in the room! I'll update you on the next prom!

Believing and Standing Up for Yourself

Song of the Day: Love Again - S.M. The Ballad

My dears, I'm writing to you amidst my studying for my Psychology Exam. I've been wanting a blogger for quite some time. I feel I can let go of my thoughts and feelings like talking to a psychiatrist - this is free...Yeah I know there are some actual places that you can go to for free.

Everyone at some point of their lives have dreams to do something. You can't just never have dreams. Being the major K-Pop fan that I am, I found out that

JYP is having auditions in America!! To all my K-Pop lovers, that's freaking exciting, no? Well, they're not having auditions in Atlanta or anywhere near me. Bummer. I messaged my K-Pop lover friend, Lisa. She's the beautiful mixed girl in my picture - the one in the blue dress. We planned to go and try out together - flying to New York. Which seems perfectly fine since she's of legal age to take care of anyone, however, there was an obstacle in our way. The parents. Not too long ago (not even an hour ago) I just asked my mom to go. She said no. Wait. Let me start from the beginning. I started with the conversation asking my mom if she's ever had a dream to do something. She started saying sarcastic and meaningless responses. My dad, well he kept interjecting useless words. Do they not believe in me? I told them that I would pay for everything and I have a relative that I can live with. So, why not. They never tell me why. I learned in psychology that parents who keep their children in tight grip that they (the children) will lose control of themselves at some point. I thought that this logic didn't apply to me, but now that I think abo

ut it. Does it now?

It's been a while since I fought with my dad. I think the last time I fought with him was my freshman year of high school - I'm a junior. That's not long now is it. But hey, that's a record! :p When I was little I couldn't stand up for myself against my dad. I was the little girl and my dad, well he was this tall guy with an authoritative voice - with a might wrist. I think I got spank and hit with a hanger and a duster (the one with the feathers and a stick-end) in the butt quite alot. Yes, I was a rebellion. I'm quite good at it now. I know

what his limits are and the spots that ruptures a volcano. Literally! I now find his threats hilarious and meaningless. Yes, guys. I poked the spot guys. And it was quite fun. It was such an adrenaline rush! I always cry when he yells at me and those tears were tears of hatred. This time, however were tears of sorrow. I cried for my dad. I felt sorry for him.

Now, I know you readers are thinking. THIS DOES NOT MAKE FREAKING SENSE! Well, It does. The talk about the audition led to the fight. W

hich led to me standing up for myself. And how? I didn't cry because I was scared - not now. Not anymore. While my dad ran towards me to yell at me. I just stood there. Back and shoulders straight. Now, this is not to make you guys call social services. This is not an everyday thing. Some people just have REALLY bad temper/anger

problems. Including me - hey that trait has gotta go somewhere, but I try to suppress it. Yeah, I'm not helping. I like to talking about random things, but hey they go hand-in-hand. It's like me trying to clean up my house. I can't just clean the shoe room and then fix the book shelf. I do a lil of the shoes and then the books. Finish the books and then finish the shoes. Makes sense? No? ahaha. Oh well.

This has been fun. I can't talk about this to my sister or friends. I'm afraid of them saying that I'm too whiney. Whereas here...we're all strangers here to comfort and listen to one another. So cheers to us!

Believe in yourself. Stand up for yourself. No matter what people say - you will achieve your goal. You just need to work hard because you can't achieve your dreams unless your work for it.

Oh, here the site to audition for JYP: http://audition.jype.com/2011usaaudition/index.asp

Good Luck if you do audition!