Reluctance

This post has nothing to do with reluctance. I couldn't think of a good title so, the first word that popped out of my head was reluctance! Whoo! Since four years ago, I seemed to forget dates or anything that dealt with number of people I love. My brother's age, the day my grandfather passed away, my friends birthday. Today, is the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I didn't get to say goodbye. No one in my family did. He was taking his early morning stroll. Someone found him on teh groud. The doctors did all they could. I woke up to the sound of my grandma crying. Thinking it was just the TV. Woke up before I heard the crying wondering why I didn't hear the news on since my grandpa always watches it when he comes back. I was so happy less noise to bother me. And from that day on, it got me to start sleeping in more. I've changed. Since then. I really do miss him. A couple of days before was my graduation (from 7th grade) I had received numerous awards. I showed it to him and he was so proud of me! The day before he died, him and my brother was arguing. I'm just so sad I didn't get to say goodbye to him and tell him how much I loved him. The only thing my friends knew and still know is that he died. I couldn't talk about how he died or how much I missed him. Whenever I start thinking about him I start crying no matter where I am. I really do miss hearing him turn off the alarm and hearing the microwave go off. Hearing him turn on the lights in the living room to put on his shoes. His smile. I miss him so much. He has lived with me since I was born. He was like my second father since my parents were always at work; he took care of me, my siblings, and his wife. Watched over the house. Catched and killed all the snakes and spiders for us. He was our guardian. I just wished he was still here to watch me graduate. Hear him brag about me to his friends over the phone. Hear his loud, booming voice. I wished he saw me in my dresses to prom and telling me how pretty I looked. But I know he's seeing everything even though he's here. Whenever we visit his grave - the wind blows. We feel his presence. He is still proud of me.

I'm a troubled soul.

I'm failure. There's nothing I can do in life that's right. What is wrong with me? Is God hurting me because I question his being? Is it me? I found out my grades today. Well, I passed Spanish and Physics; however I failed the Spanish final and I feel like I'm failure, a loser. I just wish that when I was in middle school - the IB juniors who told me about this program would tell me how much suffering this would be. I only joined in thinking that I'll be able to get a lot of scholarships to help out my family. It's not Spanish that's putting me down. It's math. I failed my math class. That will go into my transcript. I don't know if I have to take another math class or what? I'm so stupid. This is how I feel. Maybe it's because of my counselor and the IB coordinator. I don't know. When I told my counselor about me failing math in the graduation test...I can see in his eyes that he was deeming me as a failure. I'm in IB - you have to be smart and pass everything. I mean come on what is up with that! Then there is the counselor. He basically straight out tells you if you're not smart then get out. What kind of persons are they. But the point is I failed a class for the first time in my entire life! What am I to do! I don't know anymore. I just don't.

Liberation!

I've finally done it. It's over. The braces are gone! :p

I thought it would take forever and it'd be painful. However, it was easy. Only took about two hours. What I really hated was the mold stuff they use to get my retainers. It tasted and smelled like play-do (sp) and I just wanted to gag -.- But anywho there's like a gap between the fronts of my teeth but I'm going to have that fixed. I just absolutely love my teeth :D

♡

School's out! I'm excited! Not really. Today, just felt like a normal day. Sadly tomorrow I have to go back to school to check out my grades. I'm really hoping I passed all my classes - esp. math! -.- I'm asian, I'm suppose to be good in math! NOT. All the asians that I know that are extremely well in math is because their parents make them take classes outside of school and some just take it in through osmosis while they're taking naps. But the one thing I am super excited is I get my braces out tomorrow :D

Songs of the Month

Recently whenever I'm down or I need a good song to enjoy while I'm driving is U-kiss's 0330 and B1A4's O.K. They're so catchy and I even got my sister to hum to B1A4's music and she doesn't like K-pop one bit. Take a listen (:

U-Kiss - 0330

http://youtu.be/h1zOhQQpw6U

B1A4 - O.K

http://youtu.be/MBFzFSUkQus

Summer is Knocking on My Front Door

Aahh, that summer heat waves is creeping towards us. I can feel it. I can smell the chlorine enriched pools and the smells of spray-tan and sunscreen. Summer is on its way! ^^ This is my last week of finals and exams and Ii'm through! My first weeks of summer, I am DETERMINED to finish all my summer work and get it over with! I hope everyone's is going well. As promised here are some of the pictures from the second prom I went to - they're ok :p

Paranoia

So, today while I was enjoying my dinner my sister all of a sudden decided to share with me that she has contracted ringworm! Isn't that great? I'm the type of person that freaks out if there's anything infectious near me. Like right now, my whole body is itching. I even got some sanitation wipes and wiped everything that she recently touched. I know I'm being ridiculously crazy and need to calm down, but stuff like this rarely happens inside the house. I should experience the world more, no? :p

So, studying last night went well. I stayed up until 3. So, hopefully everything went well! Tomorrow is my American History final - crossing my fingers that I do well because I DO NOT pay attention in that class. I sleep since 4th block seems to be my personal nap time - that's bad. Can I get ringworm if my sister and I use the same shower?

I do hope everyone's studying is going good! Do your best! Do it for yourself and not for others. High school to me seems to be the the stage of your life where it determines what you do as an adult. If you don't succeed in high school you might not succeed in life. I know this - er, mantra, quote, inspiration(?) haha is debatable but this is my own personal view.

Just listen.

So, it's 11 at night. I have a test tomorrow and IB stuff due Tuesday and what am I doing? I've decided to do a little blogging and let you readers be my psychologist. As well, I'm watching some TV. Fun, right? :p

You know whenever I go to work..at times I'm in a pretty good mood; however, Shaun or Jeanie just ruins it. Things they do never bothered me before when I was young. Maybe it's the stress or lack of sleep that makes me - it's a "i" word. I can't remember, but anyways once I start to get mad..I start to get emotional and very sad and depressed. All of these suppressed emotions just comes back like lava spewing out of a dormant volcano (if that makes any sense). I always seem to feel all alone in this world. I can't trust anyone anymore. I can't tell anyone anything. Ever since I broke up with Jonathan and he said those awful, terrible things to me. I've lost trust to all of my close guy friends. I don't want to hug or be close to anyone anymore. I feel like if I tell people my feelings, problems, thought they think I'm whining too much or I complain too much. Everyone's leaving me. I went to this one behavior center for the first time because I've come to terms that I might have depression and anxiety so, she set me up with a psychiatrist and I was not able to hear him say his extension number. Wouldn't you think that if an incoming patient doesn't call you back you should call her back again? My best friend since elementary school soon left me and became closer to another girl and now it feels as if we're like strangers. My now "best friend" never seems to be able to text back or answer her phone calls when I need her. I have nobody to talk to. I even feel stupid letting y'all readers read about this. I really want to talk to someone about stuff that's going on in my life. I want to tell this one guy, Tobi everything because he talks to me about his problems. However, when I try to tell him my problems I just feel so stupid.

I think this will fix the procrastination. I shall attempt to study, do homework, and other school assignments. Thanks for listening - well reading ^^

It Won't Mean Nothing, Without a Woman or a Girl

Procrastination is a BITCH! I have a test tomorrow and I have yet to study :(

What have I been doing besides studying:

1) Cleaning my manicure and cutting my nail

2) Fixing my feet and toes

3) Watched - Breakout Kings, Body of Proof, and WGM

It's about to be 4'o clock. Lord help me!!

Prom1.2

Ahh, prom. It comes again. Amidst the studying of finals and exams I went to prom with my greatest guy friend (: It was so fun. I didn't have to drive, rush, or worry about anything. We took pictures with beautiful scenery. I was able to see old friends - now acquaintances. It was a good day! It felt more natural with Krishna. Me and him had a thing going on, but I stopped it before anything happened. I just don't want to ruin a great friendship. This boy cannot dance worth shiz. haha. Pictures have yet to be uploaded so, my next post will be pictures to update you! But I really like my hair and me-up so much this time around. It was more natural and less caked with hairspray. It was me. I was wearing it not my hair or my make-up. My feet hurt. I'm not going to go into much detail because it's late and I'm tired and I want to just watch some TV and think of how to keep my hair the way to it is so, it can look good tomorrow. Because tomorrow is mother's day! What did you get for your mom? If I feel like it I'll probably write the full details when I post the pictures. Good-night/morning. However, you would like to call it.

Despair - Rant

I feel hopeless. I feel depressed. I feel all alone in this world. I failed the math portion of my graduation test. And it I feel like a failure just because I'm in all the smart classes doesn't mean that I'm a super genius! My mom is going to my sibling's choir concert where as I have a meeting on me going to another foreign country. She's heard them sing millions of times. My parents would rather care about work and their costumers than to take two minutes to just take a picture with me when I go to prom. I have a pile of homework due tomorrow, 1st block. I have four exams next week. Two major ones that determine if I get kicked out of the IB program or not. Why does my life have to suck.