Another one of those...

I just had an argument with my mom.

I was just paying off the last payment for my trip in spring break and I was talking about how I have enough money for my spending money (all thanks to Chinese New Year!). I was going to bring $600 - you know $60 a day, but my mom said no and I was wondering why and I realized because Asians and their numbers that sound like death. Instead of bringing $700, she's making me bring $500 instead. I've worked hard since the summer to earn this money. It just pisses me off. I have the right to spend however much I want. I earned it! Then my mom has to say this "It happened to me and I don't want it to happen to you" WTF. It just pisses me off. She's always encasing my siblings and I in this freakin' bubble. I'm tired of breathing the same air for the past 18 years. I feel like it's her fault that I'm so cautious with what I do and the choice that I make. Everything I do is SAFE. I can probably just use one hand to count the "adventurous" things I've done in my life. I started to raising my voice and telling her that yes she may have experience it, but it's life. I can't go on in life by her mistakes - how on earth am I suppose to learn from them? I need to make my own mistakes. It's difficult. Then she asks why I had to raise my voice. She doesn't understand that no matter how I say it, she won't listen to me. It's like my opinions or thoughts do not effect her. And whenever we have fights similar to this I just think how she RUINED my childhood. It may be half based on my culture, but I believe the majority is because of my stupid aunts. I used to sleep over at best friends (used to be) all the time. We had fun memories and then by the time I got into the fourth grade, my aunts were telling MY mom that I was getting too old for sleep overs. WTH. WTH. I sincerely believe with my whole heart is what stopped my mom from letting me go to sleep overs and the fact that she thought I was starting to bother my friend and her family. When you become best friends with someone and become close to their family - you literally become a part of their family. Well, for my case it was. Soon, after I had less sleep overs with my best friend, she started to invite a new friend that she made. That new friend slept over and hung out every week. They became closer. While my friendship with my "best" friend was becoming strained so, yes I too blame my mom on my broken relationship.

Another experience my mom went through was having a boyfriend while she was in school. When she had her boyfriend, her grades began to drop. So, as you can already imagine. HER experience has "kept" me from "having" a boyfriend. How the hell does she if it's true. I've had numerous friends whose had boyfriends who's grades didn't fucking drop. It's ridiculous. It's not like I'm desperate for a boyfriend, but I just want to be comfortable going out with a guy and be able to "step up" my game. A partial reason why I broke up with Jonathan was because of my parents. I really liked Jonathan. I sincerely cared for him. No matter how people told me I could do so much better. But it was uncomfortable for me (for once) to secretly date a guy behind my parents back. I really wanted to introduce him to my parents. I wanted them to see what a great guy he was. So, one night I decided to ask my mom theoretically what would she do and think if I had a boyfriend. I was going to tell her. I even told Jonathan I was. But after asking her, my confidence ran away. I knew that Jonathan didn't like that I had to hid our relationship behind my parents since he had told his parents already about me - even though they didn't get my name right :p - I only knew that because he was texting them on my phone.

I'm just mad right now. I'm tired of living a cautious, safe, doubtful lifestyle. I want to be adventurous, free, and non-caring. How do I get pop that bubble so I can escape? It's difficult to venture out into a new world and breath new air after 18 years inside that bubble. I just can't wait until college. But at times before I go to bed, I think whether if I'll be able to free myself from that bubble and try to find who I am and what I am capable of. As well as learn from MY mistakes. I need to learn in order lead myself (at least try to) to a path I'm confident in. Right now my decisions and my position in life, I question whether if it's what I want. If it's what I need? If it's right for me. I don't want to live as the shy, awkward, safe girl. I know I want to do so many things that life and this world has to offer and I WANT to take those offers and risks.



On another note, I have started therapy! I don't know if it's helping or not. You know I only have until I graduate and then I'm off to college. Will I continue to see my therapist. I wonder how does it help me. Yes, I finally have someone to confide in, but it's not the same as confiding into a friend. A friend sincerely listens to you whereas I feel as if my therapist is just busy listening, analyzing, and write her opinions of me on that notepad. Yes, I've had less episodes after that time during the summer when I told my doctor that I think I have depression. But, at times I have that feeling, but who am I to talk to. So, I push those emotions coming from my depression deep, deep within my heart and soul. Until one lucky moment, I explode in anger and tears. It's uncontrollable when it may come. Just the other day, one my my co-worker, Daniel just kept calling me dumb and stupid. I already have low self-esteem on my academics and "smartness". After a 3rd or 4th time he called me dumb, I just couldn't take it anymore. I started crying. There's this corner in my work place where when I feel useless or have one of my episodes I tend to sit there curled up. Most of the time I sit there for about five-ten minutes and just so happens a song comes on and cheers me up.

This may be one of my episodes, but it could be the Adderall acting up on my brain. I just want to sleep and cozy up to my computer and watch Running Man. They can always put a smile to my face. If I can find a small, secluded corner somewhere in my house where I may just sit and recollect myself. I want to go that corner now.

She Will Be MINE!

For guys this is a common situation, but girls has this ever happened to you? Have to guys like you and desire your 'love' for them at the SAME time? While watching Protect the Boss, I thought about my first and only experience. It was during my freshman year of high school. I was really myself at the time. I was becoming really close with these two guys, Jonathan and Krishna. As school went on I became good friends with them and they became good friends with each other. Jonathan and I would message everyday on Facebook non stop. We would tell each other everything. It was nice to have a guy's perspective and have a really good guy friend. During that year he was going through some rough situations. He was planning to OD on some painkillers to get his mom to (in a way) care for him. One of his other friend (and mine too) actually told him that it was a good idea. I was so scared, I would say it was my second scariest situation that I've experience so far. I didn't know what to do. I tried to stay calm and refreshed the internet like so many times! Thinking about it I don't understand why I didn't try to call him. Oh, right he didn't have a phone at that time and I didn't know his house number. I was so scared. I did the logical solution. Well, not to call the cops, but to tell him how I would feel and how is parents and friends would feel and what if he died. He didn't do it eventually. Later on, I believe it was when we started to date that he confronted me that I was the one the convinced him to stop, that I stopped him. I really cared for him and to this day I do, but I rarely show it now. It's uncomfortable for me to show him any kind of affection. I would like to, but I have this feeling that he doesn't want us to become friends again. But this story is for another time. Back on track. Now, Krishna and I were about the same. We were becoming close friends. Like Jonathan and I, Krishna and I would chat on Facebook and some nights we would talk on the phone - whispering so, we wouldn't be caught by our parents and having to hang up. We would chat for ours about anything and everything. Later on in the year they both confessed, but at different times. I was smart enough to tell them that I didn't want to ruin the relationship that we had. Later on they confessed - well, I had to pry it out of them and it was at the same time. For some reason I told Krishna that I would go out with him and reject Jonathan. However, as days past on. I was thinking more and more. I couldn't ruin the relationships so, I eventually told them both no. They both decided to hate me and stay friends. But they didn't work. Later on we became friends again. But when I said later I meant later like the summer after freshman year ended. 


____________________


Yes, I do somewhat feel happy that I got two guys to like me. But what was the outcome. Now, our relationship is strained. I wish I could talk to them. Our strained relationship isn't the whole reason, it's because of my relationship that would eventually form with Jonathan. However that's would be another post. So, ladies if I were you I wouldn't necessarily reject both guys if you know you have solid feelings for one of them and that you would last for a while and get the other party to understand. But you don't want to ruin a relationship that you have stabilized. A good, trusting friend is really hard to come by. 

Motivated > Ashamed

Ahhhhhhhh, So, today we had a honest/love circle - whatever you like to call it. It's difficult for me to open up. Really. So, I think I tend to make things up in my mind, but they're partially true. I blurted out that I was a very mean person and that I didn't like something about everyone. Now I feel like I'm a total bitch, a fake person. Maybe I'm just overthinking I don't know. I mean we were being honest. And the whole class is already close. Ugh. I don't know. Whatever past is the past. I just need to move on and be who I am or at least try. On a better news, I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist/therapist! But I'm scared. What do I say. I mean I'm not depressed 24/7. It's more periodic - it randomly happens. Like I said before I can't spill out my feelings so easily. I need to be happier, no? I'm tired of writing about sad things!

Should I go, be free, and be happy?!

I'm tired of feeling useless. I'm tired of posting all this shit - this useless, meaningless words - these words that I attempt to explain about my depression, my sadness, and anger. I'm tired of letting strangers around the world read my feelings when I need someone to hear me out and comfort me. I need somebody to care for me. At times I feel like I should go ahead and die. No one else would care about me. So why would my meaningless life matter to my friends, my family, the world. It doesn't make sense. I don't need to suffer this pain and then the next day be happy and suffer again later on. It's tiring. I'm just so tired. Even though I think about killing myself, I know I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so afraid of what will happen to me. Is there an afterlife. Will I just become molecules that people breathe in? How can my mom tell me that I don't listen to her when I do, I'm tired of hearing nothing but useless words. In actuality she only hear my words, she doesn't listen to them. Put them to heart and think about her actions only what I've done badly and not what she's done. My dad can be so ironic. He tells us not to do this and that, but yet he does the exact same things. Yelling out horrible things to my brother when he's in a bad mood that makes me want to beat up almost to the point of death. Telling my brother that sometimes what we do makes him want to kill himself. What kind of fucking dad will say that to his child? I mean really? They keep saying how I think I'm all grown up and I think I can make my own decisions. NO! I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD. THEY TELL ME I HAVE TO HELP PAY THE INSURANCE, PAY FOR MY SPAIN TRIP, PAY FOR EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO. WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON YOUR SHOULDERS?! MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRAP BECAUSE OF THEM. I HAD TO ACT MATURE AND BE MY AGE WHEN I'M ONLY FUCKING 13. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP. The funny thing is I always think that instead of committing suicide I should always just cut myself like how Janin did. It seemed like it helped. But, heh, I really don't want scars on my arms. Ridiculous, huh? I should just work at waffle house for the rest of my life and do nothing, but live a numb life. I have no joy in myself anymore. I feel like I'm only faking it. I'm tired. So, tired. At times I feel like I'm getting better, but then it all crashes. Mom says that I don't need a therapist. I need to help myself. How? I talked to Merritt about it and how does she treat me now? Worse than before I talked to her about our friendship. I have no one to talk to - no one that I can trust. Hanin tells me that she's there for me. But I can't trust those words that she speaks. I'm tired of being the black knight. Doing kind things to my siblings and family that they barely notice. And get onto me about how pathetic I am. Not word for word, but in similarity.

Restless Soul

Though I've told you a couple of months ago that I've told my parents and my doctor about my depression. My parents have received paperwork. It's about to be September. I have yet to have help. My depression is weakening me. I feel useless at times. My soul, my heart sometimes can't stand it. I want help. I need help. I'm feeling useless and useless everyday. I'm tired of putting a smile and lift other peoples mood and not being able to lift mine. I don't feel like being on this planet anymore. But what I can I do? I can't do that to myself. I'm tired. I'm really mentally tired. Don't worry fellow readers. I'm not going to do anything to myself. I don't have the balls to do that.

Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I'm glad you're finally seeking the help that you need. I don't want you to continue on this rough road. I'm tired of seeing you cry by yourself, being sad all the time, losing interest in your hobbies, and distancing yourself from your friends. You need them. They are there to listen no matter what. When you go see the therapist/psychiatrist tell them everything - all your innermost feelings. Don't feel stupid before and afterwards. They're there for a reason. You need someone right now. I don't want you to feel alone anymore. Let that ticking bomb go. You need to lose it before you do something crazy. You can fight this and you will win! Depression is not going to get you, not anymore. We will get through this.

Sincerely & Love,

Your heart, soul, body, and mind.

Update - Cartilage Piercing

So, yesterday I went to the Tattoo and Piercing shop and the guy changed out my stud to a ring. Which helped a lot to help the damaged area and the simplicity of cleaning the area.

All piercing shops have different after care procedures. However, from what I have read and talk to different piercers(?), people who pierce ears at piercing shops.

This Must-Do list is mainly for me (so I don't forget) and for people who just got their cartilage pierced or people who are thinking about it and wondering how to care for it.

Now this list I know is good for cartilage piercing, but for other piercings I don't know. You should call your local piercing shop and ask them. You might want to ask around more than one to see. And call the best one in town.

The Must Do's to Help Clean the Newly Pierced Ear or any body part (I think this excludes regular ear piercings - bottom holes):

1.) Use fragrance free soap to clean out your ears while in the shower (or sink)

1a.) Or you can use a microbial soap (?) A piercer that I talked to recommended H2Ocean Blue Green Foam Soap (you can also use this on tattoos)

2.) Also use some sort of aftercare after washing with soap such as salt water soaks, which you can look up on how to do it or by H2Ocean's Piercing Aftercare Spray.

2a.) If you do use the Spray spray 2-3 times a day. Even though the package says 5-6 times a day, you don't want to dry out your pierced area. Just a simple spritz will do.

3.) DON'T move the earring around. Unlike regular piercings which they recommend you to move the earrings around cartilage piercings are different.

4.) Do not use any chemicals such as Bactine to clean it. It's harmful to the pierced area.

You can purchase the spray and soap at your nearest piercing and/or tattoo shop or you can go online to their website, http://www.h2oceanstore.com/ , and check it out.

I am going to buy the foam soap and try it out and write a review and see who it works. I have already bought the spray but since it's only 1.5 fl. oz. I'll have to buy another one. If you go online it's 4 oz. and I shall write a review on it too.

Also, redness, soreness, and pain will occur during the first few weeks. So, don't get freaked out! Cleaning the cartilage piercing is SIMPLE, don't overthink it.

The reasons why for the Don't stuff. I don't know. Call or google. If there are any mistakes or additions please add. In no way am I endorsing these products. I have just read and been told that these products are the best out there.