She Will Be MINE!

For guys this is a common situation, but girls has this ever happened to you? Have to guys like you and desire your 'love' for them at the SAME time? While watching Protect the Boss, I thought about my first and only experience. It was during my freshman year of high school. I was really myself at the time. I was becoming really close with these two guys, Jonathan and Krishna. As school went on I became good friends with them and they became good friends with each other. Jonathan and I would message everyday on Facebook non stop. We would tell each other everything. It was nice to have a guy's perspective and have a really good guy friend. During that year he was going through some rough situations. He was planning to OD on some painkillers to get his mom to (in a way) care for him. One of his other friend (and mine too) actually told him that it was a good idea. I was so scared, I would say it was my second scariest situation that I've experience so far. I didn't know what to do. I tried to stay calm and refreshed the internet like so many times! Thinking about it I don't understand why I didn't try to call him. Oh, right he didn't have a phone at that time and I didn't know his house number. I was so scared. I did the logical solution. Well, not to call the cops, but to tell him how I would feel and how is parents and friends would feel and what if he died. He didn't do it eventually. Later on, I believe it was when we started to date that he confronted me that I was the one the convinced him to stop, that I stopped him. I really cared for him and to this day I do, but I rarely show it now. It's uncomfortable for me to show him any kind of affection. I would like to, but I have this feeling that he doesn't want us to become friends again. But this story is for another time. Back on track. Now, Krishna and I were about the same. We were becoming close friends. Like Jonathan and I, Krishna and I would chat on Facebook and some nights we would talk on the phone - whispering so, we wouldn't be caught by our parents and having to hang up. We would chat for ours about anything and everything. Later on in the year they both confessed, but at different times. I was smart enough to tell them that I didn't want to ruin the relationship that we had. Later on they confessed - well, I had to pry it out of them and it was at the same time. For some reason I told Krishna that I would go out with him and reject Jonathan. However, as days past on. I was thinking more and more. I couldn't ruin the relationships so, I eventually told them both no. They both decided to hate me and stay friends. But they didn't work. Later on we became friends again. But when I said later I meant later like the summer after freshman year ended. 


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Yes, I do somewhat feel happy that I got two guys to like me. But what was the outcome. Now, our relationship is strained. I wish I could talk to them. Our strained relationship isn't the whole reason, it's because of my relationship that would eventually form with Jonathan. However that's would be another post. So, ladies if I were you I wouldn't necessarily reject both guys if you know you have solid feelings for one of them and that you would last for a while and get the other party to understand. But you don't want to ruin a relationship that you have stabilized. A good, trusting friend is really hard to come by. 

Motivated > Ashamed

Ahhhhhhhh, So, today we had a honest/love circle - whatever you like to call it. It's difficult for me to open up. Really. So, I think I tend to make things up in my mind, but they're partially true. I blurted out that I was a very mean person and that I didn't like something about everyone. Now I feel like I'm a total bitch, a fake person. Maybe I'm just overthinking I don't know. I mean we were being honest. And the whole class is already close. Ugh. I don't know. Whatever past is the past. I just need to move on and be who I am or at least try. On a better news, I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist/therapist! But I'm scared. What do I say. I mean I'm not depressed 24/7. It's more periodic - it randomly happens. Like I said before I can't spill out my feelings so easily. I need to be happier, no? I'm tired of writing about sad things!