I just had an argument with my mom.
I was just paying off the last payment for my trip in spring break and I was talking about how I have enough money for my spending money (all thanks to Chinese New Year!). I was going to bring $600 - you know $60 a day, but my mom said no and I was wondering why and I realized because Asians and their numbers that sound like death. Instead of bringing $700, she's making me bring $500 instead. I've worked hard since the summer to earn this money. It just pisses me off. I have the right to spend however much I want. I earned it! Then my mom has to say this "It happened to me and I don't want it to happen to you" WTF. It just pisses me off. She's always encasing my siblings and I in this freakin' bubble. I'm tired of breathing the same air for the past 18 years. I feel like it's her fault that I'm so cautious with what I do and the choice that I make. Everything I do is SAFE. I can probably just use one hand to count the "adventurous" things I've done in my life. I started to raising my voice and telling her that yes she may have experience it, but it's life. I can't go on in life by her mistakes - how on earth am I suppose to learn from them? I need to make my own mistakes. It's difficult. Then she asks why I had to raise my voice. She doesn't understand that no matter how I say it, she won't listen to me. It's like my opinions or thoughts do not effect her. And whenever we have fights similar to this I just think how she RUINED my childhood. It may be half based on my culture, but I believe the majority is because of my stupid aunts. I used to sleep over at best friends (used to be) all the time. We had fun memories and then by the time I got into the fourth grade, my aunts were telling MY mom that I was getting too old for sleep overs. WTH. WTH. I sincerely believe with my whole heart is what stopped my mom from letting me go to sleep overs and the fact that she thought I was starting to bother my friend and her family. When you become best friends with someone and become close to their family - you literally become a part of their family. Well, for my case it was. Soon, after I had less sleep overs with my best friend, she started to invite a new friend that she made. That new friend slept over and hung out every week. They became closer. While my friendship with my "best" friend was becoming strained so, yes I too blame my mom on my broken relationship.
Another experience my mom went through was having a boyfriend while she was in school. When she had her boyfriend, her grades began to drop. So, as you can already imagine. HER experience has "kept" me from "having" a boyfriend. How the hell does she if it's true. I've had numerous friends whose had boyfriends who's grades didn't fucking drop. It's ridiculous. It's not like I'm desperate for a boyfriend, but I just want to be comfortable going out with a guy and be able to "step up" my game. A partial reason why I broke up with Jonathan was because of my parents. I really liked Jonathan. I sincerely cared for him. No matter how people told me I could do so much better. But it was uncomfortable for me (for once) to secretly date a guy behind my parents back. I really wanted to introduce him to my parents. I wanted them to see what a great guy he was. So, one night I decided to ask my mom theoretically what would she do and think if I had a boyfriend. I was going to tell her. I even told Jonathan I was. But after asking her, my confidence ran away. I knew that Jonathan didn't like that I had to hid our relationship behind my parents since he had told his parents already about me - even though they didn't get my name right :p - I only knew that because he was texting them on my phone.
I'm just mad right now. I'm tired of living a cautious, safe, doubtful lifestyle. I want to be adventurous, free, and non-caring. How do I get pop that bubble so I can escape? It's difficult to venture out into a new world and breath new air after 18 years inside that bubble. I just can't wait until college. But at times before I go to bed, I think whether if I'll be able to free myself from that bubble and try to find who I am and what I am capable of. As well as learn from MY mistakes. I need to learn in order lead myself (at least try to) to a path I'm confident in. Right now my decisions and my position in life, I question whether if it's what I want. If it's what I need? If it's right for me. I don't want to live as the shy, awkward, safe girl. I know I want to do so many things that life and this world has to offer and I WANT to take those offers and risks.
On another note, I have started therapy! I don't know if it's helping or not. You know I only have until I graduate and then I'm off to college. Will I continue to see my therapist. I wonder how does it help me. Yes, I finally have someone to confide in, but it's not the same as confiding into a friend. A friend sincerely listens to you whereas I feel as if my therapist is just busy listening, analyzing, and write her opinions of me on that notepad. Yes, I've had less episodes after that time during the summer when I told my doctor that I think I have depression. But, at times I have that feeling, but who am I to talk to. So, I push those emotions coming from my depression deep, deep within my heart and soul. Until one lucky moment, I explode in anger and tears. It's uncontrollable when it may come. Just the other day, one my my co-worker, Daniel just kept calling me dumb and stupid. I already have low self-esteem on my academics and "smartness". After a 3rd or 4th time he called me dumb, I just couldn't take it anymore. I started crying. There's this corner in my work place where when I feel useless or have one of my episodes I tend to sit there curled up. Most of the time I sit there for about five-ten minutes and just so happens a song comes on and cheers me up.
This may be one of my episodes, but it could be the Adderall acting up on my brain. I just want to sleep and cozy up to my computer and watch Running Man. They can always put a smile to my face. If I can find a small, secluded corner somewhere in my house where I may just sit and recollect myself. I want to go that corner now.
