Should I go, be free, and be happy?!

I'm tired of feeling useless. I'm tired of posting all this shit - this useless, meaningless words - these words that I attempt to explain about my depression, my sadness, and anger. I'm tired of letting strangers around the world read my feelings when I need someone to hear me out and comfort me. I need somebody to care for me. At times I feel like I should go ahead and die. No one else would care about me. So why would my meaningless life matter to my friends, my family, the world. It doesn't make sense. I don't need to suffer this pain and then the next day be happy and suffer again later on. It's tiring. I'm just so tired. Even though I think about killing myself, I know I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so afraid of what will happen to me. Is there an afterlife. Will I just become molecules that people breathe in? How can my mom tell me that I don't listen to her when I do, I'm tired of hearing nothing but useless words. In actuality she only hear my words, she doesn't listen to them. Put them to heart and think about her actions only what I've done badly and not what she's done. My dad can be so ironic. He tells us not to do this and that, but yet he does the exact same things. Yelling out horrible things to my brother when he's in a bad mood that makes me want to beat up almost to the point of death. Telling my brother that sometimes what we do makes him want to kill himself. What kind of fucking dad will say that to his child? I mean really? They keep saying how I think I'm all grown up and I think I can make my own decisions. NO! I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD. THEY TELL ME I HAVE TO HELP PAY THE INSURANCE, PAY FOR MY SPAIN TRIP, PAY FOR EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO. WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON YOUR SHOULDERS?! MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRAP BECAUSE OF THEM. I HAD TO ACT MATURE AND BE MY AGE WHEN I'M ONLY FUCKING 13. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP. The funny thing is I always think that instead of committing suicide I should always just cut myself like how Janin did. It seemed like it helped. But, heh, I really don't want scars on my arms. Ridiculous, huh? I should just work at waffle house for the rest of my life and do nothing, but live a numb life. I have no joy in myself anymore. I feel like I'm only faking it. I'm tired. So, tired. At times I feel like I'm getting better, but then it all crashes. Mom says that I don't need a therapist. I need to help myself. How? I talked to Merritt about it and how does she treat me now? Worse than before I talked to her about our friendship. I have no one to talk to - no one that I can trust. Hanin tells me that she's there for me. But I can't trust those words that she speaks. I'm tired of being the black knight. Doing kind things to my siblings and family that they barely notice. And get onto me about how pathetic I am. Not word for word, but in similarity.