Fend for Yourself

It's summer break and I'm back home. This is the longest I've been back home since I've been away from school and it's an adjustment. Back in college, I'm used to taking care of myself and from time to time my roommate and some friends, but it's usually just me. I rely on myself and what not and it's different back at home. I'm no longer sharing a space with three people. Now, I'm sharing it with 5 people. The other day, my mom called me selfish because I didn't save any of my food so, they can try it. Kind of irritated me when she said that. I'm not used to being like, "Oh, wow this is good let me save some so, my roommate can try it." I've spend nearly a year living for myself. So, it'll be an adjustment. I'm sure once I get adjusted it'll be time to go back home. 

Why do things end?

Break-ups. They're not the greatest thing to deal with in life. Especially if you're with someone for a long time - lucky for me I've only been with my now ex boyfriend for 3 months. So, the period of time to get over him will be relatively fast. I just wish that the period is over and done with now. I'm tired of these flashbacks of our times together. I want to move on and find someone that can make me happier and that I can be comfortable with. I hate break-ups. My last relationship with Jonathan was easier. I never had these memory flashbacks. I never had this heartache. Was it because Brandon was my first? Emotions are a girl's worst enemy. I dislike it with a passion. I'm tired of thinking about him constantly every day. I want to be able to just focus on me again.

Oh,

Wow, I haven't written on this blog in a very long time. I've actually written or started writing some stuff, but I was too lazy to finish it and saved it in my drafts. So, these next few posts will be sort of old. I think writing on this will help me in becoming happier. I just need to write all my feelings out since I have trouble talking to people. Welp, here we go! It's going to take time since finals are coming up.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

You are out of high school and your first year of college is almost coming to an end. You have changed in both good and bad ways. You've experienced many highs and lows this past year. You've grown stronger and have become a confident woman. I'm writing you this letter to remind you of your dreams. Who you want to become. What you want out of your life. This year you have been nonstop partying and drinking and not focusing on your school work. You need to change that when sophomore year comes around. Go out every 3 weeks or so and focus on school and your goal of going to med school and becoming a pediatrician. You need to either seek help for your depression or just don't get hung up about small things and with big things just talk to someone about it and STOP pushing people away. Stop thinking the wrong things about people like how you think they don't like you. If they don't like you then they will tell you. Be HAPPIER. Smile MORE. Be more CONFIDENT. You are no longer a child. You're becoming an adult. You have three (and less) years until the world welcomes you into their ugly arms. You need to learn now before it's too late. If there are people who get into your skin easily or just doesn't treat you right immediately kick them out of your life. You absolutely do not need negativity in your life! Your goal is to go to a prestigious medical school and become a pediatrician. Why do you want to become a pediatrician? Because you love little kids and you want to see them smile and not cry or have an ugly frown. Becoming a pediatrician will help you finally pay back mom and dad. Give them a good retirement and hopefully an early one so, they can travel and do whatever they want. Let them have the nice things while they're still around to show them you're love. You owe them this much after all their hard work. I know you push those things and ideas in the back of your mind in a closet because it's too depressing to think about. Mom and dad struggling working more than 18 hours a day just so you can get a better future. Remember that. When it comes to boys. Don't cry or get mad over them for more than a day or two. After that focus on yourself. Why y'all broke up. Then learn from the mistakes and put that into your next relationship so, you'll be one step closer to finding your one true love. There are seriously many people who care and love you. You just won't admit it. When they tell you, you rejoice. But later on you'll push them away. DON'T. You need them in your life to help you on your step to happiness. Just remember be happy. Don't let people get in your way. Watch your drinking and stop drunk calling people - seriously (or else Jonathan will be pissed and so will McCall :p). Study hard, think about your future. Party every so often not every week. Wait until after you get a job and life is starting. There are plenty of boys all you need to do is be confident and talk to them. You are quite attractive. If you have an problems and feel like crying or feel depressed please feel free to read me as many times as you want. You need this. You can do this! Be happier. Be stronger. You will overcome this turmoil and struggle in your life. And be nicer to your family.

I love you,

Me

Most mothers are instinctive philosophers

           Tomorrow is Mother's Day! I'm not sure if it's just me or everyone is feeling it. These days I don't know what to get my parents for Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and their birthdays. They seem to have all they they can and the things that they want - well, a teenager cannot afford those things even if she wishes it for the world. This past Christmas I bought my mom a spa gift card: facial, massage, and pedicure. That's ALOT of money, but worth it for my hard-working mommy!! So, I planned to let her have a day off to go to the spa and go shopping with my aunts. However, I didn't feel like working for her while I'm still working and I have IB exams and finals still going on. I'm on a sloth mode right now. So, I decided to make her a cake and and giver her a coupon to that states that whenever she wants a day off for a girl's night out/in all she needs to do is give it to me. I highly doubt she'll use it though - knowing my mom. But it's the thought that counts! Right? So, it's my first time making a cake and so, I sought the help of my aunt. She made cakes before. For my first time it wasn't bad at all! It came out great! I'll make a post about how I made it - trust me it's really easy! So, for now tomorrow have a wonderful Mother's Day and be grateful for your mommy. You won't always have her for your entire life. Enjoy the days you have with her. 

I forgot what those sticks are called, but they look like bamboo doesn't it?! 

Another one of those...

I just had an argument with my mom.

I was just paying off the last payment for my trip in spring break and I was talking about how I have enough money for my spending money (all thanks to Chinese New Year!). I was going to bring $600 - you know $60 a day, but my mom said no and I was wondering why and I realized because Asians and their numbers that sound like death. Instead of bringing $700, she's making me bring $500 instead. I've worked hard since the summer to earn this money. It just pisses me off. I have the right to spend however much I want. I earned it! Then my mom has to say this "It happened to me and I don't want it to happen to you" WTF. It just pisses me off. She's always encasing my siblings and I in this freakin' bubble. I'm tired of breathing the same air for the past 18 years. I feel like it's her fault that I'm so cautious with what I do and the choice that I make. Everything I do is SAFE. I can probably just use one hand to count the "adventurous" things I've done in my life. I started to raising my voice and telling her that yes she may have experience it, but it's life. I can't go on in life by her mistakes - how on earth am I suppose to learn from them? I need to make my own mistakes. It's difficult. Then she asks why I had to raise my voice. She doesn't understand that no matter how I say it, she won't listen to me. It's like my opinions or thoughts do not effect her. And whenever we have fights similar to this I just think how she RUINED my childhood. It may be half based on my culture, but I believe the majority is because of my stupid aunts. I used to sleep over at best friends (used to be) all the time. We had fun memories and then by the time I got into the fourth grade, my aunts were telling MY mom that I was getting too old for sleep overs. WTH. WTH. I sincerely believe with my whole heart is what stopped my mom from letting me go to sleep overs and the fact that she thought I was starting to bother my friend and her family. When you become best friends with someone and become close to their family - you literally become a part of their family. Well, for my case it was. Soon, after I had less sleep overs with my best friend, she started to invite a new friend that she made. That new friend slept over and hung out every week. They became closer. While my friendship with my "best" friend was becoming strained so, yes I too blame my mom on my broken relationship.

Another experience my mom went through was having a boyfriend while she was in school. When she had her boyfriend, her grades began to drop. So, as you can already imagine. HER experience has "kept" me from "having" a boyfriend. How the hell does she if it's true. I've had numerous friends whose had boyfriends who's grades didn't fucking drop. It's ridiculous. It's not like I'm desperate for a boyfriend, but I just want to be comfortable going out with a guy and be able to "step up" my game. A partial reason why I broke up with Jonathan was because of my parents. I really liked Jonathan. I sincerely cared for him. No matter how people told me I could do so much better. But it was uncomfortable for me (for once) to secretly date a guy behind my parents back. I really wanted to introduce him to my parents. I wanted them to see what a great guy he was. So, one night I decided to ask my mom theoretically what would she do and think if I had a boyfriend. I was going to tell her. I even told Jonathan I was. But after asking her, my confidence ran away. I knew that Jonathan didn't like that I had to hid our relationship behind my parents since he had told his parents already about me - even though they didn't get my name right :p - I only knew that because he was texting them on my phone.

I'm just mad right now. I'm tired of living a cautious, safe, doubtful lifestyle. I want to be adventurous, free, and non-caring. How do I get pop that bubble so I can escape? It's difficult to venture out into a new world and breath new air after 18 years inside that bubble. I just can't wait until college. But at times before I go to bed, I think whether if I'll be able to free myself from that bubble and try to find who I am and what I am capable of. As well as learn from MY mistakes. I need to learn in order lead myself (at least try to) to a path I'm confident in. Right now my decisions and my position in life, I question whether if it's what I want. If it's what I need? If it's right for me. I don't want to live as the shy, awkward, safe girl. I know I want to do so many things that life and this world has to offer and I WANT to take those offers and risks.



On another note, I have started therapy! I don't know if it's helping or not. You know I only have until I graduate and then I'm off to college. Will I continue to see my therapist. I wonder how does it help me. Yes, I finally have someone to confide in, but it's not the same as confiding into a friend. A friend sincerely listens to you whereas I feel as if my therapist is just busy listening, analyzing, and write her opinions of me on that notepad. Yes, I've had less episodes after that time during the summer when I told my doctor that I think I have depression. But, at times I have that feeling, but who am I to talk to. So, I push those emotions coming from my depression deep, deep within my heart and soul. Until one lucky moment, I explode in anger and tears. It's uncontrollable when it may come. Just the other day, one my my co-worker, Daniel just kept calling me dumb and stupid. I already have low self-esteem on my academics and "smartness". After a 3rd or 4th time he called me dumb, I just couldn't take it anymore. I started crying. There's this corner in my work place where when I feel useless or have one of my episodes I tend to sit there curled up. Most of the time I sit there for about five-ten minutes and just so happens a song comes on and cheers me up.

This may be one of my episodes, but it could be the Adderall acting up on my brain. I just want to sleep and cozy up to my computer and watch Running Man. They can always put a smile to my face. If I can find a small, secluded corner somewhere in my house where I may just sit and recollect myself. I want to go that corner now.

She Will Be MINE!

For guys this is a common situation, but girls has this ever happened to you? Have to guys like you and desire your 'love' for them at the SAME time? While watching Protect the Boss, I thought about my first and only experience. It was during my freshman year of high school. I was really myself at the time. I was becoming really close with these two guys, Jonathan and Krishna. As school went on I became good friends with them and they became good friends with each other. Jonathan and I would message everyday on Facebook non stop. We would tell each other everything. It was nice to have a guy's perspective and have a really good guy friend. During that year he was going through some rough situations. He was planning to OD on some painkillers to get his mom to (in a way) care for him. One of his other friend (and mine too) actually told him that it was a good idea. I was so scared, I would say it was my second scariest situation that I've experience so far. I didn't know what to do. I tried to stay calm and refreshed the internet like so many times! Thinking about it I don't understand why I didn't try to call him. Oh, right he didn't have a phone at that time and I didn't know his house number. I was so scared. I did the logical solution. Well, not to call the cops, but to tell him how I would feel and how is parents and friends would feel and what if he died. He didn't do it eventually. Later on, I believe it was when we started to date that he confronted me that I was the one the convinced him to stop, that I stopped him. I really cared for him and to this day I do, but I rarely show it now. It's uncomfortable for me to show him any kind of affection. I would like to, but I have this feeling that he doesn't want us to become friends again. But this story is for another time. Back on track. Now, Krishna and I were about the same. We were becoming close friends. Like Jonathan and I, Krishna and I would chat on Facebook and some nights we would talk on the phone - whispering so, we wouldn't be caught by our parents and having to hang up. We would chat for ours about anything and everything. Later on in the year they both confessed, but at different times. I was smart enough to tell them that I didn't want to ruin the relationship that we had. Later on they confessed - well, I had to pry it out of them and it was at the same time. For some reason I told Krishna that I would go out with him and reject Jonathan. However, as days past on. I was thinking more and more. I couldn't ruin the relationships so, I eventually told them both no. They both decided to hate me and stay friends. But they didn't work. Later on we became friends again. But when I said later I meant later like the summer after freshman year ended. 


____________________


Yes, I do somewhat feel happy that I got two guys to like me. But what was the outcome. Now, our relationship is strained. I wish I could talk to them. Our strained relationship isn't the whole reason, it's because of my relationship that would eventually form with Jonathan. However that's would be another post. So, ladies if I were you I wouldn't necessarily reject both guys if you know you have solid feelings for one of them and that you would last for a while and get the other party to understand. But you don't want to ruin a relationship that you have stabilized. A good, trusting friend is really hard to come by.